Obsessive

I think deep down i’ve always understood that i’m quite an obsessive person. I think its only recently though, that i’ve established this and admitted it to myself. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being obsessive, rather I think it is a reflection of an individuals energy and enthusiasm. But today I just can’t seem to stop hating myself for it. Usually I would embrace this part of my personality, being obsessive has been the reason for some of my most happiest moments and memories, it has been the catalyst for so much good and positivity in my life, but at the same time it’s been something that stops me getting anywhere for a long duration of time. Tonight I feel somewhat grey, i’m not depressed nor am I trying to allude to having any form of depression, because I most certainly don’t, i’m just simply stating that right now in my life, moments where i’m alone recently I just can’t stop thinking about feeling lonely. I have so many people around me who love and support me and will always do so, but I just feel like everything i’m feeling right now I shouldn’t. Why am I feeling lonely and sad when I have everything I could possibly need? I’m lacking a sense of authenticity at the moment, I feel like whenever i’m around people i’m forcing this outgoing energy and aura, which I know I don’t possess at that current moment but I force it because that would be selfish of me to make people feel just as bad as I do, but I feel like this only amplifies the situation when I’m alone because i’m emotionally drained. There is only so much you can force and fake out before you have a few moments to yourself where you just question everything around you. I don’t like how i’ve been feeling recently, i’m obsessing over petty things and i’m making myself feel bad about everything.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore, all I know is that I feel this strong sense of incompleteness and I so badly just want someone to notice or sense somethings wrong and help me. I don’t know what it is, I have an unsettling feeling in my stomach and I just want to cry and cry and cry to my hearts content for no apparent reasons. aosigfhkrshgfkjh. Sorry if this has ruined your day, just being honest.

‘I Was All Over Her’ – Salvia Palth

– G x

6.4.15

I always question if it’s possible to detest and despise someone you don’t even know.

I’ve been taught and told by everyone I know my whole life that it’s so important to not hate or judge those we don’t know, which I agree with completely. I don’t think it’s fair to hate and criticise someone whom you know nothing about. However, tonight I feel like i’ve gone against this idea and I’m only realising that i’m contradicting what I so often hear and say all the time.

I don’t know what it is, i’ve never had an encounter with her nor have I ever spoken with her but I immediately hate her. I hate everything she’s done to people I love and care about and I can’t quite understand why or how she could ever do that. It’s definitely some sort of jealousy… it has to be. There is no other explanation for it. I see a photo of her or something she’s posted and it’s like my entire body just screams “I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER”, which is so childish of me but I can’t help it. Is that wrong of me to feel like this? Am I really being stupid and immature or is it okay to sometimes really feel frustrated by people we quite literally know nothing about?

Either way, despite my goal in trying to be a better person this year… I still hate her.

– G x

“10 Things I had to learn by myself (my mother never taught me)”

I really like this.

labyrinthine explanation of self-discovery

i. Blame the person who hurts you, not yourself. Never blame yourself for not being what they wanted or not being “good enough.” You are made with perfectly flawed traits, stitched together to be loved unconditionally.

ii. Not everyone you love will love you back and the people who do love you, you won’t always reciprocate the feelings. But that doesn’t make them or you a bad person. You can’t love everyone and not everyone will love you. I refuse to blame the people that can’t find it in their soul to give me what I give them. I don’t give to get back. I give because I want to and because I can.

iii. Don’t let one person tell you negative things about yourself. One opinion out of a million does not make you who you are. No one paints a masterpiece for you, you are the art piece…

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awkward :/

Hi? Is that how I start… I really don’t know.

Well this just feels awkward.

I’ve never been one to struggle in expressing through writing what i’m thinking or feeling until now. I’ve kept journals since I was a child, so for me I naturally like to and choose to observe my life as if i were writing my own novel. It’s exciting that way… not that i’m even close to being even somewhat skilful at it haha. It’s funny, thinking about it now…I most certainly did not expect to even think of writing about this, but all of sudden it just feels like the perfect starting point I guess. As a child I suppose all I ever really wrote about in my ‘Diary’ or what I used to refer to as a ‘Diarrhoea’ (don’t ask) were things that were happening to me and how they made me feel. I can tell you now there would be countless entries of ‘Dear Family… i’m running away, don’t ever look for me’ because when you’re child I feel like that’s a staple melodramatic phase everyone goes through. Anyway, perhaps those juvenile entries became small little seeds that have only grown and grown over the years because still to this day I continue to write and record my thoughts, feelings and ideas constantly. It’s only April of 2015 and I have 4 Journals for this year… not completed obviously, but it’s funny because they all mean something special to me therefore i’ll only write specific stuff inside each journal, hence why I have four, when really i’d be perfectly fine with one haha. Either way, I like to write. I’m not good at it but I like to have a record of how I feel or have felt in the past just to reflect on or look back on and smile about. Its theraputic, cliche enough for me to say but it’s true. Although a journal is supposed to be private and I couldn’t agree with that more, deep down inside whenever i’m writing inside my journals I kind of hope that someone is reading it, that magically enough all the people I know in my life read everything I write about them or even just myself but choose not to bring it up with me. Now I know that’s definitely not the case… but I don’t know, I just like the idea of them knowing what I don’t have the confidence to express or say in person, but then that just defeats the purpose of why I write how I feel. I essentially write about certain things in my journal because I know I won’t be judged, I know that I can be as lame or as serious as I like and I know I can be honest about how I feel, something i’m yet to find the courage to do in real life. I do love my life so much, I have an incredible family and incredible friends, but sometimes I like to be alone and just clear my mind and I think that’s why I’ve decided to start blogging. I’ve always loved having an audience, not that I expect ANYONE to EVER read or stumble across this blog but I hope maybe one person does. I want someone to read my thoughts, know what i’m feeling get an insight into what’s happening in my life despite how much they care or not. Even if i’m just talking to myself… I don’t think I would mind too much haha 🙂

I can’t tell you what to expect from this blog at all because i’m still am not sure why i’ve created it, so I’m just going to tell you to expect everything. Expect posts about what I’m doing everyday, expect posts about how I’m feeling, expect posts about what inspires me, or whats making me sad or overwhelmed.. essentially just expect everything random. I don’t even know. For me there is no limit and no expectation for this blog, rather a place for self expression and authenticity and I really hope you like/enjoy that.

I’m sorry that was an awful post, buuut I hope you might consider waiting for another one sometime soon?

– G x